Rowan Sebastian Aleister Kunning born at 3:41 PM 01/30/10

So Baby Rowan was born on Saturday, January 30th (the full Wolf Moon) at 3:41 PM at SF General Hospital. Nothing about this birth was according to our plan, but it turned OK anyway.

Our plan was to birth in a birthing center in SF (Sage Femme) and if we had an emergency, we would go to UCSF (because of our private insurance). Anyone following my pregnancy knew it was rife with medical "issues" that caused stress but never materialized into actual problems after all. First, at 19 weeks, an ultrasound indicated a "complete placenta previa" meaning I could kiss my VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) goodbye unless it rectified itself. And the doctor assured my midwife that because of the placenta's positioning, it would not fix itself.

So, my partner and I called upon our spiritual community for prayer and magick to move that placenta. We envisioned it moving up and back along with hundreds of others all over the world. We had our second ultrasound about 6 weeks later and lo! Completely out of the way, paving the way for a VBAC!

Then came the "low amniotic fluid" scare. My third ultrasound indicated very few "deep pockets" of AF, which could be a problem that means the placenta isn't doing its job, and could harm the baby. Now, all throughout my pregnancy, it should be noted that my midwife was on me for not staying hydrated enough. My bladder being the size of a walnut and having to get up hourly (I shit you not) to pee (even from a sound sleep) was unbearable after a while. So I was simply not drinking enough. Plus, the last ultrasound indicated that fluid was indeed flowing quite nicely from the placenta and it was healthy. I saw this new extra test as another freaking medically-imposed burden, as the baby was healthy and moving and all my test results were good.

They did the AFI test and said I was low but fine. Since it was low though, they recommended getting at least one more before my due date. I did not follow that advice. I got one after I was a week overdue, as is customary. In fact, the day I went in for the test, I had started laboring, and my contractions were 15 minutes apart during the testing. The labor had been triggered by my MW's pelvic exam the day before, which indicated that my cervix was soft and fully effaced, and I was at 2 cm already.

Shockingly, the AFI test this time indicated NO fluid at all. None. Now this was a problem. I was advised (lobbied hard, actually, by 4 nurses and 2 doctors) to stay at UCSF that day and get an induction right then and there. I was not prepared to do that. I had a million loose ends to clear up before having a baby! My animals needed to go to caregivers, I had student loans to pick up to pay my rent, blah blah blah.

So I checked out "against medical advice" and told them that if my labor had not kicked in by tomorrow naturally, I would come back for the induction they were so trigger-happy for. Sigh. An induced labor in a hospital was looking more and more likely, and one intervention often leads to another, causing a cascade of treatments ending in C-section. I was nervous about that.

Back at home, after a day of errand running, the contractions stepped up quite a bit. At 3 AM, they were more painful than the prodromal labor I had experienced the week before (I had 4 days of "early labor" that never progressed the week before). And these newer, more painful contractions got much closer together.

Still, my MW was unconvinced over the phone that I should come into the birth center. Since I had never labored before in actuality (my previous C-section followed a several hour induction that did not work- I never dilated at all), this birth was going to be more like a first birth- and could be days at this level of labor. I was probably better off going to the hospital, she indicated- getting pitocin to get a baby out that may be in danger. I was crushed. I wanted a chance to labor in a non pathology environment, ya know?

Judi, my MW could tell I was upset by this pronouncement. After a few minutes, she called back and said- "How about you come in to the birth center around 2 PM, and I'll examine you. If you are far enough along, we can try to birth at Sage Femme- but we really do need the labor to begin in earnest today- for the baby's sake. No amniotic fluid is dangerous. If you are not progressed, you can head over to UCSF."

I was thrilled just to get the chance. I knew (don't ask me how- I just did) that I would be dilated to at least 4 cm when she examined me. In fact, I was at 5 cm. Now Judi was prepared to take the labor seriously! She started to monitor the baby during contractions and was immediately dismayed. His heartbeat was dropping way too low (70 BPM) during contractions to be safe for him. He needed out of me, and fast! An ambulance was called, sending me into a hospital panic.

The paramedics insisted that I go to SF General instead of UCSF, as it was closer, and this was a real emergency. So I wound up in a hospital I never visited before. Scary. We (Judi the MW, Wolfy the Doula, and I) arrived in the ambulance and O'bee followed in the car with our stuff. He actually got there before we did!

They wheeled me in and all of the sudden, my support team was gone. I was being wheeled into an OR (gulp) for examination and 12 or so doctors and nurses are all talking to one another (not me) about me. It was scarily reminiscent of the first C-section and it was freaking me out. "Why am I in an OR?" I demanded between contractions. "I don't want a C-section!" "Where are my people?", I kept asking. Hardly anyone talked to me directly, and kept examining me and talking to one another about what to do to me.

Eventually, Judi got a nurse to give her scrubs and ran into the OR and appeared upside down over my head as I lay on the table. She was invaluable- as she was the only one there I knew and trusted. She ran interference and translated for me. Thanks heavens for Judi.

Luckily, they decided to fully examine me before cutting me open. They learned that I had dilated to 9+ cm during the short time between Judi's exam at 2:30 and then. I had successfully willed myself to open open open! I was happy when Judi told me I had a window of time to try and push myself, before they opted for a C-section. "Make these contractions count", she said.

So push I did. Holy fuck, did I push. I had three more contractions in which to push the baby out and I have never felt anything like that in my life. Nothing in birth class or in reading books prepared me in earnest for what it felt like or the extreme nature of my situation. Judi was amazing at helping me keep my focus and directing my pushes and breath out my ass, not through screams and moans from my mouth.

It was around this time that O'bee also appeared in the OR- he got there to witness the actual birth and see me split apart to bring our son into the world. I was too dazed to register him at the time verbally, but I remember thinking, "he wasn't here just a minute ago..." I was glad he was able to get in- not just to see what birth is like, but now he would be able to be with the baby after he was out, since I could not be.

After the second set of pushes, they let me know that they were going to guide the baby out using a vacuum extractor- not much, just a little. After that third round of pushing, he was finally out. I could not believe it. They immediately took him away to examine him and I stayedlying down, and the placenta plopped out of me.

The baby was covered in meconium (prenatal baby poop) and they worried that he had swallowed and inhaled it as well, possibly leading to an infection. They immediately removed him from the OR and passed him through a window where they began suctioning him. O’bee followed the baby to supervise the activities (and make sure they didn’t circumcise, vaccinate, or do other unwanted things to him). I was merely able to view a crowd around the baby and hear his crying while this was going on.

I ended up tearing a bit, so I stayed in the OR (impatiently) while they worked on the baby. As they were wheeling me out to recovery, I asked, “When can I see my baby?” They responded that he was having trouble breathing and he needed oxygen in the NICU. As soon as I was able to not be in bed, I could see him there. ARGH!

Again, my plan was to bond with the baby, skin-to-skin within the first hour of life on the outside, and start to breastfeed. “When will that be? An hour? Two?” They responded that in a few hours they would be happy to wheel me there, but that I had lost a lot of blood and they were making sure it slowed down first for my own sake.

I was taken to a room and my doula was there to help. I stayed there impatiently until we were told that I could see the baby in the NICU. I got into a wheelchair so that I would not gush blood everywhere (gravity is not your friend in this regard post-partum!) and Wolfy wheeled me there.

Rowan looked so small, and was attached to an IV (sugar water, for energy, since he could not feed right away) and monitors for his heartbeat, breathing, and oxygen saturation in his blood, as well as being under a little oxygen dome. He had very little human contact that wasn't poking, prodding, or against his will. I was a little choked up seeing him like that. I stroked his little hands, and got as close as I could to him, hoping that he could focus and see me.

They then told me what the plan was for him- they were gradually cutting back on the amount of oxygen in the mix he was breathing, all the while monitoring his blood saturation. When I vissted, he was on a mix that was 40% oxygen, and regular room air is 21%. Once he was down to 21% and his saturation stayed in the ninetieth percentile, he would not need to be in the NICU anymore. He was also being given several anti-biotics, since the meconium issue reared its ugly head. But after the oxygen was resolved, he could get his anti-biotics without having to stay apart from me.




At about 5:30 AM on Sunday, he was finally wheeled into my room, where he stayed with me for the rest of my hospital stay. I was so happy to be able to hold him and start breastfeeding and bonding. That first night, my doula stayed in the hospital with me, and O'bee stayed at a friend's in SF (I am only allowed one overnight person at a time). When he arrived the next day for visiting hours, he got to see Rowan and do skin-to-skin contact right away.

We were there for 2 days- to ensure both baby and I recovered fully and to be sure the blood cultures of the baby's didn't grow anything funky that needed to be treated. While we were there, we got great tips on breastfeeding from several people- lactation consultants, my MW, and some nurses that really worked out well. By the time I left, my milk was starting to come down and the baby's latch was great.

We got home Monday afternoon and were so grateful to have time to sleep as a new family and slowly acclimate to our new way of life. On Tuesday, I picked up my birds and we started to resume what would become our normal life.

My pain is present but manageable. I don't know exactly how many stitches I ended up having, but I need pain meds to get around right now. Hopefully, they will heal quickly and stop aching soon. The baby is doing great- eating up a storm and we lucked out- he is mellow in temperament and not fussy.

That's good, because I plan on doing PantheaCon again this year, this time with a newborn in tow!

Sula Pearl Switchblade Renfro - 1:43pm - 01/29/10

The Story of Quinn

Our baby was “guest-imated” to arrive on January 17th. Knowing that most first time moms are late, Sarah and I tried to be patient and peaceful as the days passed. But truly, it was hard, especially because by 41 weeks, all the conversations about induction- natural and medical- kicked into full gear. During my 40th & 41st week, we tried everything we could think of or had recommended to us including: acupuncture, chiropractor, massage, every kind of spicy/strange food you can think of, walking, sex, herbs, membrane sweeping and nipple stimulation with a breast pump.

My body did show signs of working on labor- lost mucus plug, “bloody show” and some contraction like feelings. Often it was one or two contractions a day or an hour that seemed promising and then…nothing. Given I was now 41 weeks and 4 days, an induction was scheduled at Kaiser for January 31st when I would be 42 weeks and no longer able to use the birth center. We were both struggling with feeling down about this. However, on Wednesday (January 27th) things started to look up. I began having some contractions at a movie and instead of going away; they stayed through the afternoon and dinner- about every 10-15 minutes.

After dinner (around 8pm), Sarah and I began timing the contractions and found they were about 5-7 minutes apart and fairly intense- enough that I couldn’t talk when they peaked. Sarah called our doula, Britt, and the midwife at the birth center (Judi) to let them know things seemed to be underway. We all agreed that the best plan was to try to sleep as much as we could at that point. We lay down and I could sort of relax between contractions but by 9pm, I knew I wasn’t going to sleep. Part of this was feeling so excited and relieved that things were finally happening. As the night progressed, the contractions intensified and moved closer together. I was also having nausea, diarrhea, and more bloody show. All signs were pointing to labor. By 2am, the contractions were 5 minutes apart and I was working hard (with Sarah’s wonderful support) to get through them. I often used the word “wow” with my breaths as this kept my mouth open, although sounded pretty funny- ie, “wow, wow, wow, wow.” Sarah called Britt to come over around 4am to help both us with more techniques, as things kept getting more intense. Britt was great- she reminded me not just about things to help through each contraction (like “meeting each surge with a breath”) but also helped me focus on letting go and relaxing between contractions. Britt also had Sarah sleep for a bit while she sat with me in the bathroom.

However, not long after Britt arrived, things started to change. The contractions slowed from every 5 to 7 minutes and by 6am or so were10 minutes apart. I apologized to Britt about this which made her laugh and say to me, “Oh yes, because you have so much control over this.” By 7am,with surges 10-15 minutes apart, Britt left, reminding us to rest as much as possible during the day. Both Sarah and I slept on/off for a few hours and then were awake. And so, after thinking we were going into labor Wednesday, we went back to the waiting game. Thursday passed at a snail’s pace with a contraction every 10 to 20 minutes, many of which were only mild/mod intensity. I worried that I would be in this phase for four days and then be induced at Kaiser. Sarah was wonderfully supportive and Britt reminded us through a few phone calls that this was a common/normal pattern for first time moms, but I still cried off/on in frustration and exhaustion because I really couldn’t ever sleep.

At 8pm on Thursday night and with contractions still lingering at 10-15 minutes apart, Judi (the midwife) recommended that I take two benadryl with the goal of sleeping for the night and seeing where things were in the morning. At first we were hesitant, but after talking to Britt who agreed that it was a good idea, we gave into the idea that this was not going to be the night. I took the benadryl and a warm bath and we lay down to sleep around 9pm. By 10pm, I found myself thinking “Wow. This benadryl plan is really not working” as I was having contractions that were feeling closer together and very intense (“WOW”). I told Sarah around 11pm that I couldn’t be in bed as the contractions were too painful and we moved to the bathroom where I sat on the toilet, which felt like the best position. The contractions were very intense now and Sarah started timing and realized that they were between 3-5minutes apart…and then by 12am around 2-3 minutes apart.

Although this probably sounds like clear, obvious labor, we were both still in disbelief given the long wait and the Wednesday night experience. Sarah called Britt and Judi at around 12:15am and let them know we seemed to be in labor but gave a cautious report since we were both still wondering if this was really it or if things might suddenly slow down. Both of them congratulated us and encouraged us to keep it up and call back as necessary. I decided to try the shower around 12:30. The water helped but I felt like the contractions were nearly on top of each other (1-3 minutes apart) and got out after about 20 minutes. After a few more contractions on the toilet, I told Sarah that I needed to try the bed again. As soon as I lay down, I began to feel strong pressure in my rectum with an urge to push. Any hesitation to report my symptoms left Sarah as she remembered Britt telling her to call immediately if I felt an urge to push. Britt commented on our “quick progress,” said she was coming over immediately and told Sarah to have me get on all fours. She also said that I should not push but instead to breathe through these sensations as if I were blowing out birthday candles. I tried this and it helped for a few minutes but soon I felt like my body was taking over and pushing on its own. I turned to Sarah (who described the look on my face as “total panic”) and said, “I can’t stop pushing!” She called Britt back who told her to go wash her hands and put a finger inside me to see if she could feel the head. Sarah stayed very calm with me, even though she and I were both thinking: “Are we about to give birth alone in our house?” I felt Sarah feel inside of me and then quickly pull out. I heard her tell Britt that she had felt the head! Britt told Sarah to get our things together to be ready to go when she arrived. Sarah also called Judi at the birth center to tell her we were coming.

Later, I learned that Judi was skeptical that we needed to come, probably due to the fact she’d only had one phone call up to this point (not long before saying contractions were 3-5 minutes). Sarah basically told her that I was feeling an urge to push and that we were coming no matter what. At about 1:45am Britt arrived and said very calmly, “OK Karyn, we are going to go. Here we go.” I stood up feeling in shock and also totally focused on getting to the birth center. I put on a bathrobe and flip flops on and we were out the door. We walked outside to Britt’s SUV where she had opened the back and had me get on all fours in the back and then had Sarah hold her hand against my butt/vagina to provide some counter pressure to the feeling to push. This helped me feel a bit more in control but admittedly I thought about what it was going to be like to deliver my baby in the back of an SUV!!

We sped through Noe Valley and the Mission and arrived at the birth center. The birth center is located at Capp and 17th, which is not exactly the best block in the city. There were homeless people sleeping on the street, hipsters coming out the bars which had just closed at 2am and there I was standing naked in an open bathrobe and flip flops on Capp St.! Britt turned to me and said, “It’s not the first time they saw titties on Capp Street.” To make things more dramatic, the doorbell of the birth center had been stolen, so we were banging on the door to let Judi know we were there. Judi opened the door, looking very calm and, still very doubtful that I really needed to be there. We went to the exam room and Judi was quickly convinced when she examined me, as she felt the baby’s head and said I was 7cm dilated and “very stretchy.” She went and prepared the birth room, including filling up the birthing tub, which I desperately wanted to be in. She also called the student midwife, Jessica, who we really loved, to tell her it was time to come.

Everyone kept telling me not to push, which was confusing because my body just felt like it pushed on its own every few minutes. While I waited for the birth tub to fill, I was on all fours in the birthing room when I heard everyone start saying, “Cool! Look at that!” Part of my bag of waters was coming out of my vagina and not breaking but instead hanging out of me like a water balloon! Next I got into the birthing tub. Judi told me not to push but also said “Your body is going to do what it is going to do” and that I just shouldn’t help it. So for about an hour I just breathed, made animal noises, and “wow”ed my way through the pushing urge and then focused on relaxation with break. Sarah and Britt were wonderful, especially at helping me to relax, pointing out one part of my body to release (ie, “open and relax your fists”). We had music on at this point (“Hurts So Good” was the first song that came on) and I was feeling relieved that my baby had not been born at our house, in the back of an SUV or on Capp Street.

Finally, at about 3:45am, Jessica (the student midwife who had arrived) told me that it was OK for me to start pushing into the contractions. I was relieved and also felt my total animal instincts release. I let out growls, grunts and all kinds of noises I didn’t know I had in me! After about 45 minutes or an hour, they let me know that they could see about a quarter-sized part of the baby’s head. I was lying back in the birthing tub at this point and Judi suggested that I switch to a squatting position to push. I did this and had 4-5 really hard engaged pushes. Sarah was standing behind me to help me remember not to arch my back when I pushed but instead to curl forward and focus downward. I pushed a few more times and still they could only see about a quarter size portion of head.

I rested and then really pushed, bearing down with everything I had…and all of the sudden started saying “Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit” and with that, my water broke and I heard a plop! The baby had literally shot out of me with the water like it was a water slide and somersaulted gracefully into the birthing tub! No one caught her because no one thought she was about to come! Britt called out “There’s the baby!” and Jessica scooped her out of the water and put her on my chest. We all were looking at each other in shock and Sarah and I were saying “What? What?” because it had all happened so fast. At that point, I asked if it was a boy or girl and Judi said, “We don’t even know yet.” So I lifted her away from me a bit and looked at my little girl! I kept saying “I can’t believe you are a girl” because so many people were convinced we were having a boy. Sarah cut the cord a few minutes later and we both held Quinn in the tub.


I can’t really describe the moment in a way that conveys how amazing it was. Both Sarah and I were overcome with pride, joy, love and just amazement at how our little girl had waited so long to enter the world and then arrived in torpedo fashion (just 3 hours after we arrived at the birth center)! We were even more amazed when we learned she was 9lbs and 1oz and 21 and ½ inches long! The experience was totally empowering for me and I spent the next 24 hours feeling like I was high beyond belief despite the fact that I had pretty bad bruising and required 5 sutures because of Quinn’s lightening speed entrance.


The days since the birth have been amazing- we are learning about Quinn every day and I’m learning how to let my body take time to recover. I feel like I really had the birth I wanted and feel so lucky to have the support/guidance of so many amazing people who both helped me prepare well and then engage in the labor/delivery in ways that really worked.

Quinn Adelle - 5:02am - 01/29/10

The Birth of Lakota Nova Kearns

On Monday, January 25th we went to our scheduled non-stress test at San Francisco General Hospital . While the fetal monitoring showed a healthily functioning baby, an ultrasound was not able to pick up enough empty pockets of amniotic fluid. All had an elbow, or some umbilical cord, or placenta in it, so they did not qualify. I had what medical people call an AFI of ZERO. This means that there is technically NO Amniotic Fluid for the baby to be moving around in. The technician sent us up to Labor and Delivery, for more fetal monitoring and another ultrasound. Once again, the AFI registered at zero, and even Judy was unable to convince them to accept the pockets of fluid on the screen. The hospital midwives and doctors recommended that we begin immediate Pitocin induction.

We were reluctant to begin immediately, but we agreed to a membrane sweep (yow-WEE!) and went home to collect ourselves with the promise to return later that night to be admitted for induction. Contractions began to intensify while I was at home, so when we arrived back at the hospital they began with a low dose of Pitocin. When my membranes were swept, my cervix was at 1cm dilated, but very soft. I was still at this stage when I went to bed. Since the point was to get some rest and not begin the full labor right away, the midwives agreed to keep the levels low, and I was able to get some sleep.

Pitocin was increased slowly all day Tuesday, and contractions began to get more intense. By the end of the day I was 3cm dilated and 50% effaced. We started to get excited! Things seemed to be moving! The midwives wanted my labor to continue progressing and we decided to move on to Misoprostol at midnight (Wednesday morning). I spent the day walking around the labor and delivery department, with the hopes that gravity and my movement would keep the labor on track.

After the second dose around evening time, I got into the bathtub for a while and my contractions became even stronger. Jessica (Sage Femme’s rock star student midwife) arrived and was great support to both Corby and me. My water broke sometime during this part of the process, and the nurses and midwives seemed kind of surprised. I got to explain (over and over, actually) that there WAS fluid in my sac after all!

When my cervix was checked again, the midwives had some bad news: I was still at 3cm, and 50% effaced. My cervix was very soft still, but all that hard work I had been going through was not considered “REAL LABOR” by them. This news was VERY DISCOURAGING, and the messenger was not very gentle, either. By now it was 3AM on Thursday, and Corby and I were both exhausted. Jessica helped us to be OK with our next step: an epidural.

I was given a shot of morphine around 4am on Thursday, but by 7am the contractions were back and stronger than ever. I was then given fentanyl so that I could hold still while they inserted the epidural. The anesthesiologists came in with a huge cart and went to work. In no time all the feeling in my legs was gone, and Corby and I were able to sleep. I just had to remember to keep pushing the button to give my epidural more juice. Jessica went home to wait on a progress update. Meanwhile I could rest and prepare my brain for THE PUSH. At around 11:30 PM the midwives checked me again, and now I was FULLY DILATED!!! AND AT STAGE ONE!!! They said I could start pushing when I was ready, they’d be back for me in an hour.

We called Jessica and the next thing I knew she was by my bed wafting in refreshing tangerine. The epidural was turned off and I began to breathe thru the returning contractions. With the fading epidural I could tell I was not feeling their full force. My legs were still quite numb, so Corby and Jessica helped me fold my knees up and gave me their hands to pull while I pushed. The next part was a bit of a blur, “PUSH, Breathe, PUSH, Concentrate, PUSH, Downward, PUSH OOOOOOOooooopening,” were all that were in my mind. My low OOOing turned into songs, and finally a maniacal “HA HAA HAAA HAAA HA HAA HAA!” escaped me as Lakota’s head emerged. Corby said, “I CAN SEE HIS HEAD!” And the next thing I felt was like a bag of tennis balls coming out of me. (thump-thumb-bump-bum) That was his body. Corby laid the baby on my chest (which was actually my stomach because the cord was too short), and the image of his grimacing blue face will be seared in my mind’s eye forever.

He started to cough and breathe, and then cry—not too little and not too much, but stronger and stronger as his lungs unfurled. My baby was crying, my husband was crying, I was crying, it was beautiful!

Corby finished cutting the cord, and then Lakota and I were face to face. Oh WOW that was amazing. The nurse turned off the pump on my Pitocin and flooded me with it after Lakota was out, so that my uterus would continue to contract fully. I guess it worked, because I heard the midwives go, “WOAH!” as my placenta shot out. I tore a bit, too but I didn’t really care. Corby and I were singing Happy Birthday to our beautiful son.— Lakota Nova Kearns born 2:48 AM. He was born 9lbs. 3oz. 21 ¼ inches long, 37 ¼ cm. head. Momma pushed him out in about 45 minutes and 6-7 pushes or so.

The rest of Friday was spent as comfortably as could be expected in a hospital: Corby and I rested for a few hours, and then asked the hospital to prepare to discharge us. SF general usually keeps its newly-delivered mothers and babies at least 24 hours, and preferably 48 hours. We were very eager to get home, since we had no plans to be in the hospital in the first place.

Alas, our freedom was not to be: a nurse examining Lakota believed that she heard a heart murmur, and reported this to a pediatrician. The pediatrician found no heart murmur when she examined our baby, but she was concerned by his rapid breathing. She ordered blood work done, and the results seemed to point to inflammation and a possible infection. There was no way to tell for sure without a blood culture, they said, but it would take two days to see results. If he was not administered antibiotics immediately, he could have a full-blown infection which could prove harder to control.

All plans to be discharged were halted, and we agreed to the procedures in the hopes that we’d be able to leave once he was cleared. We were moved to a new shared room, and Corby could not stay overnight anymore. There was NO WAY we were going to leave our son to go through any IVs, blood draws, or medicine administration alone. So, our brand new family was separated before its first day together was over.

We’ll leave out the stories of all the next blood draws, IVs, fluid pumps and antibiotics for you—they were heart-breaking for mother, father, and baby. The next few days were a blur of new baby bliss, learning to breastfeed, friendly faces bearing healing foods, soups, and love, and waiting for good news. Mommy was discharged and moved into the dorm-style room in the nursery for breastfeeding moms. There were no facilities for fathers, so we spent hours in the windowless waiting room bonding as best as we could.

On Tuesday we pushed hard to for Lakota to be discharged, making calls to our pediatricians to get a second opinion. They were reluctant to counsel us to leave the hospital and stop the course of antibiotics. “WHAT IF the baby really does have an infection?” The only bacteria that had grown in the blood cultures was a skin contaminant, probably picked up when the first culture was taken. Our son was diagnosed with “POSSIBLE SEPSIS”. The doctor finally agreed that we could leave on Friday after Lakota’s 1:30 pm antibiotics.

This was the news we had been waiting for! We put our heads down and powered through the next few days. Esther’s mother arrived from Hong Kong with a fresh attitude, and by noon on Friday we were packed and ready to go. At 3pm Lakota was feeling the breeze on his face for the first time. He didn’t like it very much, but we were FREE!

When all was said and done with, we had spent a total of 10 days and 11 nights in the hospital. Four of those nights were spent in labor, and the next seven were long, stressful, and possibly unnecessary. In my perfect world, I would have given birth to Lakota at the Sage Femme Birth Center, and then gone home and spent the next two weeks in bed, blissed-out with my husband and falling in love with my son.

In this perfect world, however, our brand new family was challenged in ways that I could have never foreseen, and we are stronger for having experienced it. This wasn’t our ideal birth, but we were cared for by very capable hands, and found compassion and caring in places that we weren’t looking. The love, kindness and support from family, friends, and even strangers brought us through some dark times. The word “grateful” does not even begin to describe how we feel. THANK YOU.

Lakota Nova - 2:48am - 01/29/10

Jaesun Kiran - 5:20am - 01/25/10

Makena's Birth Story

On Sunday night around 10:30 pm we were just getting into bed and laying down to watch some TV before bedtime. I felt something that sorta felt like a cramp, but totally different at the same time. It started small and felt bigger and then went away slowly. And I said to Pam "Hmm. That was a new feeling." She asked if it was a contraction and I said "I don't know, maybe?" And soon we were asleep.

At 11:23 pm I woke up. I felt it again. I got out of bed and went pee. Lay back in bed and felt another one at 11:32, 11:36 and 11:43. I figured they were only 10 seconds or so long, I wasn't timing them and they weren't painful. But definitely a different feeling than the tightening of a Braxton Hicks. I fell asleep.

Woke up again at 3:30 am, went to the bathroom to pee again and noticed bloody show. I was feeling excited that this was it. But I still wasn't in any pain so I figured I'd just wait and see what happened next. I decided to sleep on the couch to not disturb her. I grabbed a pen and notepad and started to keep track...

3:36
3:46
3:59
4:08
4:16
4:26
4:36

They were definitely contractions and coming about every 10 minutes. I wasn't sure if I should wake up Pam yet, because although they were uncomfortable, I felt fine.

She woke up to use the bathroom and I said "hi!" and she came into the living room. I said "So, I've been having contractions all night." She asked "Really?! Are you okay?!" And I explained that I was fine. We went back to the bed to try and sleep but couldn't really. She timed them at

5:12
5:16 for 30 seconds
5:21 for 45 seconds (this one felt stronger than all the others)
5:27 for 34 seconds
5:31 for 45 seconds
5:36 for 54 seconds
5:44 for 36 seconds

We decided to stop timing them and try to get some rest. They were stronger but still totally bearable. Still felt less intense than my usual period cramps, so I wasn't worried at all.

I was able to fall asleep for a little while, mostly dozing on and off (while still aware that I was having contractions) and woke up around 8 am starving. Pam made me oatmeal, eggs, and toast. I gobbled it up and then went back to bed. I noticed I wasn't having any more contractions. When I woke up around 10:30 am I still noticed I wasn't having any contractions so we decided to go grocery shopping to walk around. It was raining and we had lots of "severe rainstorm" warnings so we had to pick some place indoors! We went to Whole Foods and then had lunch at BJ's (Outback was closed and I burst into tears in the parking lot.) After that we walked around Valco Mall for a while. I'd been having an occasional contraction, but nothing in a regular pattern and nothing stronger. There was one while at the mall that made me stop walking for a second, but then it passed so quickly I was fine.

We came home and I was so super sad that everything seemed to have stalled. I wondered if we should call Judi but we decided not to since there wasn't anything really to do. We also decided to not tell anyone that anything was happening, so even though I'm writing this now I won't publish this entry till afterwards. ;)

Had dinner, took a bath. And still the occasional random contraction. I decided to break out the breast pump and try some nipple stimulation. It wasn't very fun at all. I did 5 minutes on each side and then was hit with a pretty strong contraction. And since then, the ones I've felt have been MUCH stronger. In fact, the last 4 I've had while typing this have forced me to get up and walk around the apartment practically doubled over in pain.

I insisted that Pam try to get some sleep in case it fizzles out again and she has to go to work tomorrow. I'd hate for her to be up all night with me when I'm totally fine. Yes the contractions I'm having now are way worse, but I'm dealing okay! I think I might go take another bath. I'm tired, but definitely not able to sleep through these. I haven't been paying attention to the time, but I've had 2 more pretty painful ones. They are coming on so strong so quickly. There isn't a build up like there was earlier. These are like BAM pain!

I ended up taking a bath and the contractions were coming on so strong that even the warm water wasn't providing any relief. I started to cry and imagined how difficult this was going to be. Already it was so much more painful than I expected.

I woke up Pam around 2:30 am, and told her I needed help because it was so bad. She started to time the contractions and I had to pace back and forth between the livingroom and kitchen each time one hit me. Around 5:30 Pam called the midwives and talked to Serena. She asked Pam how I was coping and a few other questions. Pam told her I wasn't coping well at all and she suggested I try to relax between each contractions. Pam said they were coming between 2-4 minutes apart and was instructed to have me rest and focus between them. So we lay down in bed and I tried to relax but it was really hard. The contractions started to slow down and space further apart. Pam was using the website www.contractionmaster.com instead of looking at a watch or writing down times she just had to press a button on the computer at the start and end of each contraction and the website calculated how long they were and how far apart. The fact that my contractions slowed down meant that I wasn't in active labor yet. It was so discouraging. I couldn't wrap my head around the idea that I wasn't close to the end. It was overwhelming to realize how far away I still was, and I started to second guess everything I had planned.

I was really surprised how painful it was. I knew I needed relief from the pain and none of the techniques we learned came even close to helping. At one point I was crying and walking around the livingroom and leaning on the kitchen counter each time a contraction hit and I went to look for Pam. She was in the bedroom scanning the pages of the Birth Partner book trying to find some help in the pages. I could see that she was starting to get overwhelmed and had no idea how to help me. She was trying so hard to stay strong but I can't even imagine how very helpless she felt because really there was nothing to do and I was clearly not dealing well. Breathing, focusing, moaning, nothing was working. I told her I was done. That I was ready to leave and go have the baby. That I couldn't go on like this. She reminded me that we couldn't arrive at the birth center yet because I wasn't in active labor. That we had to spend more time at home. I had pictured these hours at home before leaving to the birth center so completely differently. In class we talked about spending the early labor hours baking and doing puzzles and all that fun stuff. Why wasn't I experiencing that?! Why was I already in so much pain? I'll never know.

Pam called the midwives again around 9:30 am and told them that I was ready to give up. At that point I was so upset that I wanted to just drive to the nearest hospital. Serena told us to come in and they'd check me out. Pam loaded up the cooler with our snacks and drinks and got all our stuff ready. I felt like time was moving in slow motion. We finally made it down to the car and headed to SF around 10:30. The car ride wasn't as awful as I had feared it would be. My contractions seemed to slow down even more and I only had about 6 during the 30 minute ride. When we got to the birth center we walked in and I went into the exam room where Serena and Evalee took my blood pressure and a few other stats and watched me have a few contractions. I was close to hysterics at this point because it was so unbelievable to me that I wasn't at the end yet. Judi came in and I could hear her telling them that I had to relax. So I had to lay down on the exam bed and Pam sat in the chair next to me. It was awful. Finally I got up and gave a pee sample and they told me I had to eat something because there were keytones in my urine. I had a handful of pretzel sticks and some apple flavored Recharge drink. But I kept feeling like I'd throw up if I ate and had no appetite. I was exhausted and feeling SO frustrated that it was so hard. I didn't understand why it was a million times more painful than I imagined.

After a while they suggested that we go to the hospital to get a morphine drip so that I could get some sleep. They were worried I wouldn't have the energy needed for when active labor started. I was worried about that too, and welcomed the idea of actually DOING something. So around 1:30 pm we drove the few minutes to the hospital and Serena and Evalee met us there. I got a bed in the triage area of the labor ward, and we all sat there in the little curtained off section while I got hooked up to the monitors and all that crappy stuff, including an IV so I could get some fluids. My contractions kept coming on strong and painful. Everyone was trying to help me breathe through them and focus, but it was impossible. The nurse took my blood pressure and they got a few high readings. I was going to get switched to a better bed once one opened up, so Serena and Evalee left to get some sleep since they'd done a birth that morning and needed rest. They promised everything was going to be fine and that once I got some rest I could return to the birth center and all was good, and made sure we knew to call them for any reason and they'd come back.

But then once they left and I was moved to a bed things changed. Because of the high blood pressure the midwife on staff at the hospital said I couldn't get the morphine and had to be admitted to a real room. I could care less at this point. I knew in the moment that we walked into the hospital that the course of my labor was going to drift drastically from what I had hoped for.

The midwife decided it was time to get me checked to see how dilated I was. I was really happy when she said baby was at -2 station and she could feel it's head. I was 4 centimeters and completely 100% effaced. It would have been beyond devastating if she said I was only 2 or something. We went across the hall and I was settled into a labor and delivery room at 3:30 pm. (I totally have no sense of what time it was...I'm checking the monitor paper strip readout for times as I write this!) They told me that since my contractions were slowing again they wanted to give me a little bit of Pitocin to jump start them again. And again I knew what was coming. Through tears I said "okay" and looked at Pam. Now I was on the road to all the cascading interventions that I really planned to avoid. I knew that if I got Pitocin to agument my labor I was going to want the epidural. It was a moment of clarity and understanding that it was out of my hands. I made a mental decision to just do whatever I needed to do and kept my eye on the prize. I felt oddly okay with giving up and felt more upset over having to convince Pam that I was seriously okay with it all. She was scared that I'd end up regretting it and wasn't sure if she was supposed to try and stop me or something. We had a good cry together and knew we just had to stay strong and take it step by step and that it would all be okay in the end.

They asked if I wanted to take a bath and I said yes so they got the tub ready for me and I got in. After I got out of the bath I started asking for pain medication. They hadn't started the Pitocin yet but I told them I wanted the medication before the contractions got any worse. The midwives and nurses on staff were very reluctant, they knew I was a Sage Femme transfer and knew a medicated hospital birth was the last thing I wanted and they were committed to supporting me as much as possible. So even though I was the one who brought up getting an epidural, they suggested I try Fentanyl which is a narcotic that would help take the edge off the contractions. It's given in super small doses and can be given again every hour but only up until a certain point because if it's given too close to when the baby is born it affects the baby.

So we tried that, and I think I got 3 doses before making it very clear to them that I seriously wanted the epidural. It was hard for me to see Pam as I said these things because she knew how very much I didn't ever want that. But I explained to her that I knew exactly what I was asking for and that I really was okay with it. And I was. At that time I knew with complete clarity that I welcomed the relief that I'd be getting, despite everything I'd ever hoped for.

I asked the nurse to call the anesthesiologist and it took forever. EVERY thing was taking forever. I was hungry and they urged me to eat now before I got the epidural and couldn't eat. My sister and Brianna and my mom and dad were all making their way to the hospital, and Pam went downstairs to meet them and get me some food that my mom was bringing. But then the anesthesiologist was there and explaining everything and I texted Pam to come back up to me. At about 8:00 pm I finally got pain relief! The epidural wasn't nearly as terrible as I assumed it was. Really I was so looking forward to not feeling the contractions and sleeping! I had to get a catheter put in. When it was done and I was feeling better my family came in and we sat around. Pretty much everything I never wanted was happening. And I was totally oddly at peace with it all. The #1 thing I was feeling was total exhaustion. I was just so tired and knew I'd never make it through pushing a baby out if I didn't get some rest.

Pam made everyone clear out of the room at 10 pm. We turned off the lights and tried to sleep, but it just wasn't happening. My blood pressure cuff took a reading every 15 minutes. My pulse meter thing on my finger kept losing my pulse and the alarm would go off. Nurses kept coming in to take my temperature and fix my finger pulse thing. The Electronic Fetal Monitor kept losing the baby's heartbeat so they had to readjust it. So pretty much I got maybe an hour of sleep in little 10 minute increments. Pam was sleeping on the bed in the corner of the room.

I started to feel some contractions and pushed my button a few times to get an extra dose of the medication. Then it started to hurt even more. I was totally surprised by this, and when the midwife (at this point there was a shift change and our new midwife was Michelle. She was awesome and kept saying "Jolly good then!" we liked her right away) came in to check me I asked why it was hurting so much and she explained that the baby had moved so far down that I was going to feel the pain since the epidural doesn't work once the baby is so close to coming out. (I remember looking at the clock as midnight passed and realizing that baby would be born on January 20th and be an Aquarius.) Then around 12:30 am she said I was 10 centimeters and could push if I wanted to. You'd think hearing this would be so exciting, but again, all I felt was exhaustion. I never once felt the urge to push. They suggested we try an hour of Passive Descent, meaning we'd wait and let the baby slowly make it's way down on it's own.

An hour and a half went by. I still didn't feel like I needed (or even wanted) to push. But I knew that I had to do it soon or the baby would never come! I asked what options I had for pushing positions, knowing I didn't want to be laying down in bed. They offered a few things and I decided to try the squatting bar but since I couldn't actually get up and squat they had me put my feet on the sides of the bar and pull on a sheet that was tied like a rope around the top of the bar. So that's what I did. My mom, sister and niece came into the room and I started to push around 2 am.

I was in a lot of pain again from the contractions and was getting upset that the epidural wasn't working anymore. I asked for more help and they explained that we could get the anesthesiologist to come back and adjust the dose but it would just prolong my labor even more. And I understood that completely and decided I'd just start pushing.

And so I pushed. And pushed. And pushed.

And the clock kept ticking on. Sometimes I was able to feel the contraction and tuck my chin and lift my pelvis and pull the sheet and push the right way. Other times the contractions were so painful that I had to cry out and couldn't concentrate enough to push. I remember asking Pam to help me but again there was nothing she could do. Then the awfulness would pass and for the next contraction I'd be able to push. Each contraction I got about 3-4 pushes, and sometimes they'd urge me to push one more time and sometimes I could. Other times I'd decide on my own to do one more push even if I didn't feel the contraction any more.

And still the minutes were just moving by in slow motion. An hour of pushing went by and I was super discouraged. I didn't know how I could push any longer. I was afraid of pushing for hours and hours on end, and afraid that if it came to that they'd make me have a c-section. I was even more afraid that I'd agree to it.

They kept saying I was doing a great job. That they could see the baby's head. That I was so close. My water still hadn't broken and they would tell me that they could see it bulging out. The midwife said it was going to burst all over any minute, and eventually it did. Man that was a lot of water!! I couldn't believe how it just kept gushing out of me with such force!

They brought a mirror over and I tried to see but it just upset me even more because there was hardly any head to be seen!! I still knew it was going to take longer. It was so frustrating to know I was doing such hard work and didn't see any results.

I was SO tired. In between contractions all I wanted to do was sleep. I remember closing my eyes even. And I was hot, so hot. My mom was fanning me with a paper plate and then my hair would get in my face and it was so annoying but the cool air felt so good! My sister had the video camera recording and Brianna was every once in a while saying "You can do it Aunt Katy!" Pam, of course, never left my side and continued to help me by holding my knee and foot where they had to be, and with her other arm she helped lift me under my neck to curl and push correctly. The midwife would sometimes put her fingers in me where I had to push. It was helpful to feel that and know where to direct my energy. My mind was boggled by the fact that I was still feeling such terrible pain.

I had to keep being reminded to lift up my pelvis so that the baby could fit under and come out. And when I did I felt (and saw) a difference. The baby's head was showing more and more, but still time was going by slowly. 2 hours had passed and I'd been pushing the whole time. They kept saying they could see hair on the baby's head. All I could see was a tiny sliver of wrinkly scalp.

At one point they wanted me to stop pushing because my heart rate was up too high, and that was torturous. Then they said I was looking pale and they gave me some oxygen twice for a few seconds.

And then, a little after 4 am the machine couldn't distinguish between my heartbeat and the baby's. They fiddled with the monitor pads on my belly and still couldn't be sure they were picking up the right heartbeat since mine was so fast and it was confusing them. The midwife explained what was happening and said "We'd like to attach an internal monitor to the baby's head if that's okay." And I said NO. And she said "Okay, well, we'll see if we need to..."

Let me tell you. That next contraction came and I PUSHED with so much determination that all of a sudden in the mirror I could see that the baby was finally crowning. The room seemed to explode at this point. "Ok stop pushing!!" Everyone seemed to be busy and there was such a hustle and bustle. I knew the baby would be born any second. I kept looking in the mirror. And then I started to push again and I felt the head come out and heard them saying they were unwrapping the cord from around the baby's neck. It unwrapped so easily, and then I pushed again and Pam reached down and grabbed the baby and then it was on my chest and I was holding my baby and it was so warm and smooth and slippery and so amazing. I was in total awe and shock. I didn't say anything. I didn't even cry. I just stared at the baby in amazement. I finally tore my eyes away and looked at Pam. She was teary and telling me how proud she was of me, and she thanked me for being so strong. We spent a million hours staring at our baby. Eventually someone asked if it was a girl and we checked and she was definitely a girl! I was so tired still. It was like everything around me was moving but I was on pause.



She was so quiet and content. Only cried a few little peeps. And she started to root almost immediately and sort of crawl up and over to my breasts. She was ready to nurse right away.

Somewhere in the midst of this the midwife was checking me and said I had 2 tiny bilateral labia tears. She needed to stitch me so that they wouldn't fuse together and so I got one stitch on one of them but she left the other one alone. I also had a minor hematoma. The stitch hurt, so she gave me a numbing shot but that really hurt too! I remember being so acutely aware of what was going on down there despite the fact that I was 100% focused on my baby. I just kept stroking her back and arm. I'll never forget that feeling of her skin. It was the softest thing I'd ever felt.

Oh, and we can't forget about the placenta! It was time to push that out and I was surprised how I totally could feel it coming out. I thought it would just slip out practically unnoticed. It didn't hurt at all, but I did feel it. The midwife showed us the placenta and the sack where the baby lived all that time. It really was fascinating! She said the cord was about 10 feet long. I don't know if she was exaggerating or not, but it definitely was long! We waited till it was done pulsing before clamping it, and it took such a long time. She kept commenting on how long it was taking. Pam and I each felt the cord pulsing, and that was cool. Finally it stopped and Pam not only got to cut the cord, but she clamped it too! They pretty much let her do everything that we were hoping she'd get to do at the birth center. It was really awesome.

Overall we felt so very grateful for the care we received. The staff was amazing and really made every effort to please us and ensure we had a positive experience. With each shift change the new nurses would come in and tell me that they had read over our birth plan. I kept telling them that it didn't matter, that already so much was thrown out the window but they were all determined to stick as closely to it as possible. We never called back Serena, and it wasn't intentional, we just felt so throughly well cared for and it didn't cross our minds to ask for more support. I know she would have been there for the birth if we called, but it was okay.

Also, the moment my head was clear enough to have a thought I was starving. My stomach was grumbling and I was hit with crazy hunger. Pam held the baby skin-to-skin and I ate.


They weighed the baby and did some other tests and stuff. We were all in shock when they said she weighed 9 lbs 3 oz!! 20 and 3/4 inches long, and head circumference of 36 centimeters. Her APGAR scores were 8 and then 9.

The baby doctors came in and examined her. They said she had to have blood drawn for glucose testing since she was labeled LGA- Large for Gestational Age. They wanted to test her blood every few hours but I told them I'd only consent to twice. We were really unhappy that she had to be poked and prodded. The second result came back really high and they thought it was a mistake so they did one more. Poor little girl was crying so hard!! And they did the vitamin K injection and Newborn Screening test. So many tears. :(

My mom, sister and Brianna left in the wee hours of the morning and then it was just me, Pam, and our baby girl. It still seems so surreal. We've been walking around in a dream-like haze these last 4 days!

After a while we decided it was time to pick a name. We looked at our lists again and made the decision:
Makena!
Born January 20th, 2010 at 4:13 am


The name Makena (pronounced like the name Mackenzie but with "ah" at the end) means "filled with happiness" and it's just perfect for such a dream come true baby!

We are over the moon with love and joy. There is so much more to write but my darling daughter is starting to wake up and my boobs might explode if I don't feed her soon!

Makena - 4:13am - 01/20/10

Thomas Walter - 11:36pm - 01/18/10

Chloe Maia - 5:20am - 01/08/10